44 posts tagged “humor”

The latest joke to come over the email transom:

A Spanish teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine.

'House' for instance, is feminine: 'la Casa.'  'Pencil,' however, is masculine: 'el lapiz.'

A student asked, 'What gender is 'computer'?'

Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether computer should be a masculine or a feminine noun.  Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.

The men's group decided that 'computer' should definitely be of the feminine gender ('la computadora'), because:

1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;

2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else;

3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for Possible later retrieval; and

4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself Spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

(THIS GETS BETTER!)

The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be

Masculine ('el computador'), because:

1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;

2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves;

3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem; and

4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.

The women won.

Very funny (and geeky) NSFW video:

1.  Calculate the smallest limb diameter on a persimmon tree that will support a ten-pound possum.

2.  Which of the following cars will rust out the quickest when placed on blocks in your front yard?

A) '66 Ford Fairlane,
B) '69 Chevrolet Chevelle,
C) '64 Pontiac GTO

3.  If your Uncle JW builds a still that operates at capacity of 20 gallons of shine per hour, how many car radiators are necessary to condense the product?

4 A pulpwood cutter has a chain saw that operates at 2700 rpm. The density of the pine trees in a plot to be harvested is 470 per acre.  The plot is 2.3 acres in size.  The average tree diameter is 14 inches.  How many Pabst Blue Ribbons will be consumed in cutting the trees?

5.  If every old refrigerator in the state vented its charge of R-12 simultaneously, what would be the decrease in the ozone layer?

6.  A front porch is constructed of 2" x 8" pine on 24-inch centers with a field-rock foundation.  The span is eight feet and the porch length is 16 feet.  The porch floor is 1-inch rough-sawn pine.  When the porch collapses, how many hound dogs will be killed?

7.  A man owns a house and 3.7 acres of land in a hollow with an average slope of 15 percent.  The man has five children.  Can each of the children place a mobile home on the man's land?

8.  A two-ton pulpwood truck is overloaded and proceeding down a steep grade on a secondary road at 45 mph.  The brakes fail.  Given the average traffic loading of redneck country roads, how many people will swerve to avoid the truck before it crashes at the bottom of the mountain?  For extra credit, how many of the vehicles that swerved will have mufflers and uncracked windshields?

9.  A coal mine operates a NFPA Class 1, Division 2, Hazardous Area.  The mine employs 120 miners per shift.  A gas warning is issued at the beginning of the third shift.  How many cartons of unfiltered Camels will be smoked during the shift?

10.  How many generations will it take before redneck cattle develop two legs shorter than the others because of grazing along a mountain side?

EXTRA CREDIT

A.  If Daisy Duke were the half-sister of both her Uncle Billy Bob, who never had children outside of the immediate family, and her Aunt Lilly Mae who was married to her Cousin Jethro, what would you say her relationship is to Billy Bob and Lilly Mae's illegitimate son Bucky?

B.  How many rednecks does it take to change a light bulb (not including the one stealing a bulb from the neighbors)?

C.  How many widths of red clay brick should the Hatfields use in constructing the walls of their house, knowing the McCoys just purchased a Tomahawk missile at the local skinhead rally?

A newlywed couple had only been married for two weeks. The husband, although very much in love, couldn't wait to go out on the town and party with his old buddies

So, he said to his new wife, 'Honey, I'll be right back.'

'Where are you going, coochy cooh?' asked the wife.

'I'm going to the bar, pretty face. I' m going to have a beer.'

The wife said, 'You want a beer, my love?'  She opened the door to the refrigerator and showed him 25 different kinds of beer brands from 12 different countries: Germany, Holland, Japan, India, etc.

The husband didn't know what to do, and the only thing that he could think of saying was, 'Yes, lolly pop...but at the bar...you know...they have frozen glasses...'

He didn't get to finish the sentence, because the wife interrupted him by saying,

'You want a frozen glass, puppy face?'

She took a huge beer mug out of the freezer, so frozen that she was getting chills just holding it.

The husband, looking a bit pale, said, 'Yes, tootsie roll, but at the Bar they have those hors d'oeuvres that are really delicious... I won't be long, I'll be right back. I promise. OK?'

You want hors d'oeuvres, poochi pooh?' She opened the oven and took out 5 dishes of different hors d'oeuvres: chicken wings, pigs in blankets, mushroom caps, pork strips, etc.

'But my sweet honey... At the bar... You know...there's swearing, dirty words and all that...'

'You want dirty words, Dickhead? Drink your f***ing beer in your goddamn frozen mug and eat your motherf***ing snacks, because you are married now, and you aren't f***ing going anywhere! Got it, asshole?'

.........and, they lived happily ever after.

Now, isn't that a sweet story?!!

On the first day, Zeus created the dog and said:

'Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years.'  The dog said: 'That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?'

On the second day, Zeus created the monkey and said:

'Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span.'  The monkey said: 'Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the Dog did?'

And Zeus agreed.

On the third day, Zeus created the cow and said:

'You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years.'  The cow said: 'That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?'

And Zeus agreed again.

On the fourth day, Zeus created man and said:

'Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years.'

But man said: 'Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?'

'Okay,' said Zeus, 'You asked for it.'

So that is why for our first twenty years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.

Some great t-shirts, from a great site - geeklabel.com. You can easily change the color of the shirt as well as the color of the text and see exactly what it will look like. I like this one:

ISeeFraggedPeople

A couple of pretty funny Youtube videos making the rounds this morning already:

Redzilla's recent posting about her lawn had me thinking about my lawn, which is a mess, despite my tearing it up last summer and starting from scratch. It looked good for about a month but now it is merely a mud patch with tufts of grass. Not that I'm a perfectionist, or even believe in the monoculture of a "good" lawn, but I'd like my kids to be able to play on it!

Anyway, a little humor to take my mind off the pain:

GOD: Francis, you know all about gardens and nature. What in The world is going on down there in the USA? What happened to the Dandelions, violets, thistle and stuff I started eons ago? I had a Perfect, no-maintenance garden plan. Those plants grow in any type of soil, Withstand drought and multiply with abandon. The nectar from the long lasting blossoms attracts butterflies, honey bees and flocks of Songbirds.

I expected to see a vast garden of colors by now. But all I see are These green rectangles.

ST. FRANCIS: It's the tribes that settled there, Lord. The Suburbanites. They started calling your flowers "weeds" and went to great lengths to kill them and replace them with grass.

GOD: Grass? But it's so boring. It's not colorful. It doesn't attract butterflies, birds and bees, only grubs and sod worms. It's Temperamental with temperatures. Do these Suburbanites really want all that grass Growing there?

ST. FRANCIS: Apparently so, Lord. They go to great pains to grow it and keep it green. They begin each spring by fertilizing grass and Poisoning any other plant that crops up in the lawn.

GOD: The spring rains and warm weather probably make grass grow Really fast. That must make the Suburbanites happy.

ST. FRANCIS: Apparently not, Lord. As soon as it grows a little, they cut it, sometimes twice a week.

GOD: They cut it? Do they then bale it like hay?

ST. FRANCIS: Not exactly Lord. Most of them rake it up and put it in bags.

GOD: They bag it? Why? Is it a cash crop? Do they sell it?

ST. FRANCIS: No, sir -- just the opposite. They pay to throw it away.

GOD: Now, let me get this straight. They fertilize grass so it will Grow. And when it does grow, they cut it off and pay to throw it away?

ST. FRANCIS: Yes, sir.

GOD: These Suburbanites must be relieved in the summer when we cut back on the rain and turn up the heat. That surely slows the growth and Saves them a lot of work.

ST. FRANCIS: You aren't going to believe this, Lord. When the grass stops growing so fast, they drag out hoses and pay more money to water it so they can continue to mow it and pay to get rid of it.

GOD: What nonsense. At least they kept some of the trees. That was a sheer stoke of genius, if I do say so myself. The trees grow leaves in The spring to provide beauty and shade in the summer. In the autumn they fall to the ground and form a natural blanket to keep moisture in the soil and Protect the trees and bushes. Plus, as they rot, the leaves form compost to Enhance the soil. It's a natural circle of life.

ST. FRANCIS: You'd better sit down, Lord. The Suburbanites have drawn a new circle. As soon as the leaves fall, they rake them into great Piles and pay to have them hauled away.

GOD: No. What do they do to protect the shrub and tree roots in the Winter and to keep the soil moist and loose?

ST. FRANCIS: After throwing away the leaves, they go out and buy Something which they call mulch. They haul it home and spread it around in Place of the leaves.

GOD: And where do they get this mulch?

ST. FRANCIS: They cut down trees and grind them up to make the Mulch.

GOD: Enough! I don't want to think about this anymore. St. Catherine, you're in charge of the arts. What movie have you scheduled for us Tonight?

ST. CATHERINE: "Dumb and Dumber," Lord. It's a real stupid movie about -

GOD: Never mind, I think I just heard the whole story from St. Francis.